It's Difficult to Make up an After Story for the Harem End
by Honore with Shurpuff
Summary: Thanks to one night's mistake, Gintoki Sakata's life just got a whole lot more complicated. Will it go down to a serious, bittersweet ending? A crack route? A heartwarming family slice-of-life? An all-guns-blazing thriller? Who knows? Even the author doesn't know.
1. It sure is Hard, Gintoki

**Author's note: After some convincing by Shurpuff, and being slightly familiar with the source material, I've also taken the time to write this small contribution.**

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Gintoki awoke, noted he was near-naked; and felt something strange in his crotch.

Gintoki got fully awake, staring wildly at his surroundings before staring right down his navel, where he saw his little shogun lodged into something tight and uncomfortably arousing. Before the great general could start the flag salute, he pulled out quickly, limbs flailing about.

The woman in front of him shifted, coiling into a semi-fetal position around a bottle of sake. It turned its head just a bit, revealing the beautiful scarred face of Tsukuyo.

Nerves shooting with adrenaline, Gintoki glanced around the party hall room, where he could see the near-naked sleeping figures of other women filling every corner of the room. Dimly he recognized some whom he'd crossed his blade with before, and surmised some of these to be the Hyakka. He could feel something stir in his mind when he saw their slovenly positions, some of them even entwining about each other like those foreign sculptures he'd seen on the TV.

And then Gintoki realized: these were all women here. He looked left and right. No other rival shoguns here, and if there were they'd look quite hot and womanly.

He slowly backed up to the entrance, his feet dodging sleeping bodies here and there. He grabbed a white bathing robe hanging over somebody, tied it around him, then zipped straight out the door.

As he ran, he desperately tried to dredge up any memory of the night before. But the alcoholic haze still hid everything in a pleasant black, which did not encourage him in the slightest.

He just knew Tsukuyo and her merry friends would kill him when they woke up. Unless they didn't remember. But they probably would. They weren't all forgetful Gin-sans. They'd remember a lecherous perm-head who'd taken advantage of them one fateful night.

"Hey, this is all your fault!" he yelled at his numb crotch. "All this time protecting you, speaking up for you, fighting for you, and this is how you repay me?"

Gintoki stopped. Come to think of it, he only now realized there was more to the numbness in his crotch. It wasn't the pleasant numbness after a good lay—the little shogun seemed to have ascended to a higher state of existence, feeling nothing, doing nothing. It felt like a completely different being.

He ducked into an alley, then peeked into his robes.

The description of Gintoki's unfortunate little shogun has been redacted for the reader's sanity.

 _What_ the hell had happened to his shogun? It had taken far more abuse than Zura's nickname. He was frankly surprised it wasn't leaking blood. The whole thing was a pixellated mess—the fact that it was described to be pixellated despite not being in its native manga form spoke volumes of its condition: it wouldn't be "plowing into anyone's depths" or "twitching greedily" in a smutty situation anytime soon! Or ever!

He'd been to orgies before: twice with Hasegawa-san and once with his old comrades a long time ago. He was proud of his dick for enduring through everything, precisely like a stoic, authoritative shogun should. At the end of the day, it was still polished and sharp and raring for the next fight like its master, and not reduced to this horrible mess.

Then again... he thought back to the scene he'd woken up to just now. He didn't know how many Hyakka had been there in the room, but it must've exceeded forty people in there, give or take. He didn't count himself lucky to have bedded them all, but this had been before. Now, there was a possibility that his little shogun had walked them both through a great world war without ample preparation, and this sad lump on his crotch was the result of its hubris.

But that was unbelievable! The only orgy he could distinctly remember, the one with his old patriot comrades, he'd managed ten, despite what that Takasugi had claimed. Ten had been pushing it; he'd peed blood for a few days after. Forty-something was ridiculous! He'd have broken several bones, maybe even forced to amputate his legs entirely! More than that, he should've died! And what were they even thinking, holding that orgy in the first place?

What, did they all just lie flat on a conveyor belt, lining up in a queue dancing to a lewd beat while he waited to deposit the good sauce?

Or was he secretly a tentacle monster?

And why the hell couldn't he remember such a sight? He'd have remembered if he'd spent the whole night screwing, goddamnit!

Gintoki felt a chill creep up his spine. At first he'd only been entertaining an uncomfortable aftermath with Tsukuyo, perhaps leading into some sorta cheesy K-drama plotline involving a sudden pregnancy or some sort. Good gosh that would've been better; at least his dick'd still be intact.

But Tsukuyo and her merry ladies? He'd be torn to pieces, like that old myth.

"No no no no no no no," he chanted, closing up his robe and dashing straight for home. "Unbelievable. No way, Jose. Those guys must be playing a prank on me again. Fool me once, shame on me, but fool me twice..." But he distinctly remembered waking up to his dick inside Tsukuyo. And his dick was redacted. So unless they wanted to teach him a lesson by smashing his little shogun and the golden balls like a gleeful Gedoumaru, he'd take it at face value. Except that lead to a different problem.

"Noooooooo!"

He could feel the touch of death on his nape, even as he stood at the entrance of his little abode. He couldn't hear Kagura, the redhead Amanto talking to him, nor could he hear the pair of glasses beside her. Everything was a hazy blur.

Gintoki ducked into the bathroom.

"Gin," someone was saying beyond the door. There was a knock. "Are you alright? We were worried about you last night."

"Go away. Gin is dead to the world," he said listlessly.

"The heck is he saying...?" Shinpachi muttered.

"Leave it, Pachi, it's the hangover speaking," Kagura whispered.

"Do you need any medicine?"

"I'm sorry, Gin!" Kagura said. "I promise to never to put something that stupid pappy sent into your strawberry milk!"

 _Strawberry Milk._ Something jogged to life in his memory.

 _Kagura looked innocent as ever, watching him gulp down another glass of flavored milk. He didn't miss the grin on her face when he opted to drink straight from the carton to flush the rest down._

 _"Something wrong kid?" he asked, wiping his mouth on his sleeve._

 _Kagura blinked. "Nothing."_

 _"You look just like me whenever I figure out a scheme. I know that look; hell, I perfected it." He burped. "Did you spike the milk with your boogers again? Added a little spit? Had Sadaharu drool in it? Whose head do I have to grind this time? Might as well fess up."_

 _"What's with that, huh?" Kagura said, her face twisting. "You won't grow up if you keep feeling that kind of paranoia, do you know?"_

 _He shrugged dismissively, choosing not to entertain whatever the kid had planned. He guessed it most likely had something to do with the milk. But he was too tired to interrogate Kagura, especially after that job yesterday._

 _It was then that he felt the little shogun stand up to full attention, even without being told to do so._

He could guess the sequence of events afterward. He'd yelled a bit, at Kagura, at Sadaharu, without revealing the condition. Then, he recalled running into Shinpachi just outside, the meeting made uncomfortable when Tama came up to ask about "the unusual life-form" in his crotch. He'd cracked a joke about human male's two-headed nature before running off.

He remembered the stripper bar now, where he'd met Katsura and his monster. The monster noticed while Katsura did not, and had even said, "Do you want me to help you with that?" on its signboard. He'd then ran again, where he fell into a pit trap made by Sachan, who'd gotten dangerously close to discover his awkward secret before he'd tossed her aside, then almost immediately afterwards running into Shinpachi's sister.

He knew she'd known; she'd looked downward and smiled. Ever the scary woman. Fortunately he made himself scarce before words could be exchanged.

Night had soon approached, so he remembered making his way to the only place where he thought his little shogun could calm down—Yoshiwara. Although he still couldn't remember how the Hyakka, or Tsukuyo for that matter, fit into it all.

"Kagura," he said. "What was it the baldie sent you?"

"Huh? Um, it was my favorite drink back home. Very cheap. Very tasty. Drank it all the time! But I've heard it did weird stuff to non-Yato. That's why I put it in the strawberry milk. I thought it'd be funny; I'm so sorry for doing that, Gin."

He'd already heard the horror stories of dangerous chemicals mistakenly put in Earth's own beverages. If "cheap" for a Yato living on the edge as Kagura had done meant the same as "cheap" on Earth where strawberry milk was 0% actual strawberry, then he knew for sure where the problem had been.

"...kind of weird stuff, Kagura?" he heard Shinpachi ask.

"Well, sometimes they'd grow too bigger than their clothes like the Incredible Hulk. Or they'd shoot up tall like a basketball player."

"Oooh, I think I've heard of that! Isn't that the one that supposedly made that old lady's bones unbreakable? That was kind of heartwarming, her saving the child like that..."

"Maybe you should drink some, Pachi. Maybe you'll become as tough as Takatin."

"I don't want to be that kind of guy! And, did you really get Gin to drink that? No wonder he's acting so strange."

Another knock. "Oi, perm-head! Are you alright? I'm really sorry if your balls fell off because of the drink. Or did you get a length extension instead? Fuhehehe..."

"K-k-Kagura, a girl shouldn't be saying that...!"

Why the hell was the kid soomewhat spot-on even when joking?

"Leave it," he shouted back. "I'm still thinking on your punishment."

"Ugh. Fine, fine, but first you've got a client to service. A call came in while you were out, you know. Get to the job, deadbeat. Maybe you can use your new powers to help us get fed quickly."

Still fuming, Gintoki led the Yorozuya over the next couple of days doing the job, then the next job and the job after that.

The cosmos seemed to be laughing at him, as his next jobs involved:

An Amanto who'd been stranded on the planet for three years, having only woken up from an alcohol-induced stupor a week before. During the job it exhibited signs of a raging hangover, leading to near-incoherent exchanges that frustrated even Shinpachi's patience. It turned out that the alien had been tricked by scheming family, whom Gintoki took pleasure in disciplining just because his client was so damn annoying.

Then there was the story of the orphan Amanto, looking very human-like as the Yato, who displayed strange powers and whom Kagura had challenged for the last pack of sukonbu at a convenience store. Shinpachi, being a rabid otaku, called it an "esper", while to Gintoki the kid was a pain in the ass who'd read his mind about his recent scandal. Then the Shinsengumi got involved, along with a secret government group who studied the paranormal, until he got in contact with Sakamoto's group who helped reunite the kid with his parents. Before he left Earth, the kid gave him misguided advice concerning his great orgy.

The biggest pinch was the job referred to him by Hasegawa-san, a story so simple on the surface yet contained so much drama that Gintoki could feel the invisible noose fashioned about his neck continuously constrict while they worked on the job. A young noble's daughter got pregnant from a party on an intergalactic cruise. Everyone demanded to know who the father was which involved the Yorozuya interviewing a lot of Amanto who'd been on the cruise. Then the Shinsengumi came in, having reached the same conclusion that a Harusame captain was the most likely, then a group of Harusame actually came in, kidnapped the daughter along with Kyuubei and Tae who were just there, causing the Yagyuu to mobilize, along with the Shinsengumi. Then the noble raised hell at the last minute, disowning the daugher and threatening their rescue politically, then the Yorozuya had to learn how to ride fighter ships to invade the Harusame ship, then they discovered the girl had not gone on the cruise at all, rather the father of her child was actually a Joui rebel, and she just didn't want her family to know. Then Katsura arrived without a by-your-leave, having heard the whole story from the father himself, who was his subordinate. Then it got all complicated when it was discovered that the girl wasn't even related by blood to the noble, being a lookalike stand-in after the real daughter had died. Something the gorilla said to the noble changed the latter's mind, so the Shinsengumi was given carte blanche to assault the Harusame. After that, a heated (and literal) dogfight against veteran Dog Clan pirates in the atmosphere above Edo, then the Harusame ship was obliterated after Kyuubei's climactic duel with the enraged captain. Mission accomplished, the girl didn't return to the family and the boy bowed out from rebel activities, whereupon the two went off to the countryside to raise their child.

"Children are nice, huh?" Shinpachi remarked with a smile.

"Mogu mogu mogu," said Kagura, her mouth filled with looted rations from the ship.

"Indeed. Life's greatest treasures," Katsura said sagely.

Gintoki's mouth could only twitch. Exactly _what_ about the arc evoked children-loving values? Kid hadn't even been born yet.

It was fortunate that the plot didn't contrive for him to visit Yoshiwara, not that he'd ever want to go there now, short of another Jiraia-like incident. He felt like the lowest of scum and greatly feared the anger and scorn from everyone who lived there, especially from Tsukuyo, Seita and Hinowa. All the guilt was about to make him self-destruct.

He hoped the one-night stand would slowly be forgotten.

He hoped to once again look Tsukuyo in the face and pop a crude joke or two.

Though, he'd long accepted the mere fact that no one in Yoshiwara would have anything to do with him anymore. Unlike his dick, human relations weren't easily fixed, even with time. He should've come back and accept responsibility, but it had gotten forty-something times more complicated. And now, about a month and a half since that night, it was too late. He'd resigned himself to endless mental self-flaggelation.

This made Hinowa's surprise visit to the Yorozuya, accompanied by Seita, seem like the worst ever sucker punch to the gut.

Calmly, he sat behind the table, schooling his face to hide the fear that now gripped him. Hinowa's bright smile, combined with Seita's wink, (and he was sure it was a trick of the light, because that sure looked salacious) did not encourage him in the least.

"Kagura, Shinpachi," he said. This was no time to be coy. "Take the kid out with you, and go buy the groceries you neglected to get."

"Ehh? You're tossing me out before I can even say one word in this scene?" cried Seita. "I didn't even get a description!"

"We aren't even done exchanging greetings, Gin," Shinpachi said confused.

Gintoki tossed Kagura a couple thousand yen. "Yahoo!" she cried, dragging Seita and the glasses out the front door like a dutiful child should.

"That was probably the most expensive bribe I've ever given a kid," he muttered darkly, focusing his attention on a still smiling Hinowa.

"But it does show you have a flair for the parenting thing," Hinowa said.

"I want to be gracious in saying this: please cut the crap. You and I both know there's a reason why I sent the minors away." He grimly crossed his fingers together, and then leaned forward over the table.

"Don't look so scared, Gin," said Hinowa, tilting her head. "No matter how much you might look like a convenience store manager dressing down a shoplifter right now, you and I both know there's no denying who's the bigger criminal here, right?"

Slam! "I'm sorry!" Gintoki bawled, vaulting over the desk to prostrate himself at Hinowa's feet. "I'm so so so sorry for all the bad things I have done! Dear mother, forgive me dear mother, for this sin of sins, please cleanse my soul of the evils I have done, please let me atone for what I have done! I'll give you 300 yen, a massage, a footrub, anything, anyway you want it, please forgive me! Let me go!"

After a tense silence, Hinowa said, her good humor unshaken. "But Gin, I'm not the mother this time; they are."

An imaginary anvil came down to smash his permed head into the ground.

"Th-th-them? Wh-wh-who's them?" Gintoki asked, stuttering. He had a bad feeling about this—is what he was going to say, but he already had a bad feeling from the start, no, Hinowa's words were like a proclamation of his beheading upon the next sunrise.

"Gin! This is bad!" came Shinpachi's voice. The kid came running through the door. He glanced at Hinowa. "Sister just said—something to do with Yoshiwara- er- were you already talking about it with Ms. Hinowa? Well, Sister told us to come to the dojo on the double! It's an emergency!"

Gintoki's eyes sought Hinowa's. Already he could feel the noose around his neck tighten, _especially_ if the gorilla of a sister had gotten involved. He stood from his seat, bones creaking as if from lack of use. He gazed upon his humble office, remembering all the good and the bad that had happened here. It was with a fond, resigned smile that he trudged the steps towards the door, this proud, but ultimately defeated criminal whose sins had finally reached out to claim him.

 _Tae would take her brother back, there was no doubt. And maybe she'd take Kagura in, or the latter would go back to her pops. Maybe she'd bring Sadaharu with her—if not, the dog could always go back to its original owners. Or maybe Otose would-_

Speaking of Otose, the old lady flicked some tobacco ash towards his face when he was at the bottom of the steps.

"Otose...?"

"You're a man," she said sardonically. "You'll find a way."

"Hurry, Gin!" Kagura shouted from down the street.

Instead of flinging a last-minute insult, Gintoki found himself bowing deeply towards Otose, to thank her for all she'd done.

"Too early to bid me goodbye, kid," she said, smirking through the smoke. "Though I can't say for sure the chances are good of your coming back with all your limbs intact. That being said, good luck, eh, Papa-san?"

And with those words ringing shrilly in his head, Gintoki turned right around to start his death march.

-tbc-

Next time, on Outlandish Tales of the Yorozuya, Will Gin survive the wrath of women scorned? Will Sadaharu show up at all? And will the next chapter actually be released? Tune in next time to find out!

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 **Author's Note:**

 **That's that. It may or may not be continued.**

 **Hope you enjoyed reading!**

 **Merlin out.**


	2. I'll Harden my (bleep), Never my Heart

Gintoki was buried up to his head in the ground.

"Hooold up," he said. "I thought last time I was _walking_ to Shinpachi's place? I distinctly remember how the last chapter ended. So how'd I end up here? You've got to explain that to the readers, man."

In the Shimura estate, a certain perm-head was buried up to his head on the ground.

"Hooold it!" Gintoki exclaimed. "I appreciate your expanding the scene a bit, but exactly _why_ am I in this situation? You didn't describe it yet!"

For reasons that were obvious, Gintoki was buried up to his head on the ground at the Shimura estate.

"It's not obvious to _me!"_ Gintoki all but shrieked. " _Why_ am I in this situation, moron! Can someone please explain this shit to me?"

"Calm down, perm-brain," said Kagura who approached alongside Shinpachi. Both of them had strange smiles on their faces. The Yato was carring boxes of strawberry milk, while the glasses was holding a case of bottles. "The author will get to it when we get to it. In the meantime..."

Kagura ripped open one of the cartons, and then held it up menacingly over Gintoki's head.

"Could you please explain to me, dear Kagura," Gintoki said in a pleading voice. "Exactly how and why this poor Gin is buried to his eyeballs in Pachi's house?"

"Shut up and drink your milk, criminal," said Kagura, who proceeded to pour the pinkish milk over the messy perm. Gintoki choked and gasped, turning his head this way this way and that to avoid the deluge.

"Gak—hey! Stop—mrglrgl—wasting precious—mmmmwah—milk—crap it's in my nose...Oi, stop it right now! This is how you get ants, you know...!" When the carton ran out, Gintoki sprayed the milk from his mouth. It was a crime to even do that, but he had other worries. He glared at the two, who looked cold and merciless as children obliterating ants. "You've really done it now, kids... Dig me outta here or Gin's going to go super saiyan god on your behinds! I'm not totally into ass, but after this humiliation, I may just discipline you like your pappies should've done!"

"Shut up, criminal," said Kagura, ripping up another carton and making another pink waterfall.

"Graagasgall—wh—why am I a criminal? Answer me that, I beg ya!"

"Gin," said Shinpachi, who'd so far remained silent. He pushed up his glasses, like a cold _megane_ archetype _._ "It's better for the sentenced to accept their fates."

"Perverts like you should rot in the deepest abyss of space," Kagura spat, "Even more, neglectful deadbeats like you should be taken to a black hole and _erased from existence!_ "

"Ack—isn't this a bit too cruel for you guys? You're totally acting out of character!"

"The only one who acted out of character," said Shinpachi, uncorking one of the bottles. "Is you, Gin." He upended the bottle, and honey flowed in a thick stream from the opening.

"What's with this sweetness? Is this some novel form of Chinese torture?" Despite being showered in the two things he liked, it felt greatly unpleasant to have one's head dripping in the stuff.

"We'll stop when you admit your faults, Gin."

"When you repent," said Kagura. The two of them made a combination Niagara Falls of Diabetes with their hands.

"This—is why—I asked the author—for an explanation! Why am I being treated like trash? Why is it with strawberry milk and honey? Is this some sort of weird overdose play to get rid of my fetish for sweets?"

"It's for you to man up," said Kagura, "Beg on your knees for forgiveness, and take responsibility."

"That's enough, Kagura," said Shinpachi. "We've made a lot of noise. Surely they knows what's going on now." They both stared down at Gintoki, whose silvery perm dripped with amber and pink.

Kagura sobbed, though it might have been faked. "I can't believe Gin would have gone so low! Brute! Beast! And I've been sleeping in this guy's house for the duration of the series?"

"Hey, don't say things that'll get me arrested!" Gintoki shouted. "For that matter, thanks for stopping, so get me outta the ground!"

"We're not done yet," Kagura said, blowing out her nose.

"The party's just getting started," said Shinpachi, smiling as serenely as a yandere. He spread his arms wide. "As you said, Gin, _this_ is how you get ants."

"Wha—" It only took a second for Gintoki to realize. Were those brats seriously trying to execute him? He redoubled his efforts to break free. "Get serious, you two! Are you trying to give this fiction an 'M' rating?"

"But Gin, it's already 'M'," Pachi pointed out.

"So this really ain't out of place," said Kagura, giggling quite uncharacteristically.

"Silly Gin," said Pachi, chuckling.

"Stop this right now!" Gintoki bellowed. "You'll traumatize a lot of folks, me included, if you go through with this punishment!"

"He's right, you two," said a new voice. "There are better ways to channel your anger." At this the kids turned around.

Tae Shimura, gentle voice and gentle face, stood at the porch.

"Sister?"

Gintoki was quite relieved to see her. "Oi! Shimura! Get your brother and protege to stop! What sorta role model would you be if you let these kids get away with things like these?"

"I must humbly apologize, Gintoki Sakata," she said in the most formal he'd ever heard her speak. "Kagura and my brother were perhaps a bit too overzealous towards you."

"Sorry, big sis."

"I'm sorry, sister."

It was all well and good, but for some reason, Tae didn't make a single step towards him to help. Before he could ask, she continued, "There are far better, more humane ways to deal with trashy, 2-bit scum like him." She cleared her throat. "Kyubei?"

A horse whinnied from somewhere. He craned his neck and watched in horror as Kyubei, in full battle regalia, cantered up on a horse from around the side of the house. What now frightened Gintoki wasn't Kyubei, but what she was holding.

"I'm ready here, Otae," said Kyubei. She hefted the spike-ridden mace-like weapon. He could tell that just one swing could mangle a guy's face. "Just give the word."

"We're going to play polo instead," said Tae, smiling.

"Hoooold up!" Gintoki howled. "What _about_ this is humane, stupid Shimura siblings? This isn't any different from before! This is just another form of punishment!"

"Oooh!" The delighted Kagura and Shinpachi clapped, ("You're having way too much fun from something like this!", Gin said) moving aside to make way for Kyubei. The latter began swinging the dangerous weapon in a circle above her head.

"But Gintoki Sakata," said Tae, frowning in that lovely manner that could attract gorillas from their nests, "I see no other way to treat someone who's let their 'other' head control their body. If that thing was able to command your body that well, then that perm-covered thing is pretty useless to you now, is it not right?"

"You're wrong!" Gintoki protested. "Despite the perm, Gin loves his head! He likes his two heads, but he loves the perm-covered one more! Without one, Gin may as well be dead, but take out the other and Gin _will_ be dead! Did none of you ever take up basic human anatomy?"

Tae didn't say anything more, but it appeared that this was the signal Kyubei was waiting for. Without another word, she kicked up the spurs, and her horse charged forward, the weapon's menacing spikes glinting in the sunlight. Gintoki could only stare in frozen terror as the end of his life bore down on him.

"Secret Art: Tectonic Twist!"

Immediately, Gintoki felt the ground around him give way, the force holding him in place collapsing all around him. He fell slamming face-first on gouged-up stone and earth.

"Wha?" Everyone cried in surprise. Kyubei's horse reared up in fear as the ground crunched and shifted.

Before Gintoki could move, there came another voice, saying, "Seductive Technique: Aerial Abduction!" Immediately, he could feel ropes binding around his person, before he was then dragged over the ground, up from the hole, then violently hoisted up in the air, feet dangling near the branches of a tree.

"That was daaaangerous, Gin," said the newcomer, whom he then recognized as the unrepentant pervert, Sa-chan. "If I hadn't heard the news, it would have been too late to save you."

"Sarutobi!" Tae shouted from below. "Give the ero-samurai back! He's still bound for execution!" Gintoki was too dazed to shout back.

"How dare you jeopardize darling's life," said the ninja, addressing the others below. "Is your rage that potent, Tae? Couldn't bear to have lost to number 11?"

"Why are you still bringing that up?" Shinpachi yelled, though no one paid attention.

"And what will _you_ be doing, Sarutobi?" said Kyubei. "Are you the sort to forgive an irresponsible man like that?"

"Don't question me or my feelings, Kyubei! My love is pure and unstained, as is my determination." She turned to Gintoki now, smiling cheerfully. "Don't worry, my love. My faith in you is stronger than ten gorilla girls arranged side by side."

"That's great and all," Gintoki croaked. His voice had gotten hoarse. "So could you let me down now?" Saved or not, he was still leery of his present position. This was an exact "out of the frying pan and into the overly depraved fire"-type of situation.

"Just a sec, dearie. Won't take long." Without pause, she unzipped his pants.

"Wha—"

"Kagura, don't look!"

"Kyuchi, don't look!"

"What kind of play is this?" Gintoki all but screamed. He struggled to break free from the ropes, but only managing to swing futilely from side to side.

Sachan squealed. "Don't move so much, Gin," she said. The light in her eyes was all sorts of frightening. She held a kunai in her hand, and licked her lips while she beheld his little shogun. "Don't make this harder than it needs to be."

"This is _never_ going to get harder under the circumstances!" Gintoki kicked his legs through the air, hoping to gain some momentum to kick the ninja off. "What the hell are you trying to do, you bitch?"

"While I disagree with their methods, I do agree with their reasons, darling," she replied. "Gin needs to be punished, true, but their punishment was misguided. The true culprit is this little general insolently flapping itself before me. With this head gone, you will be absolved of your sins; your thoughts will also be cleansed without this secondary head controlling you."

"What the hell is wrong with all _your_ heads?" Gintoki said. "Get _your_ head screwed in better, bitch! I take back what I said. None of you are taking _either_ of my heads! And could someone please explain to me what the hell is going on? No one's explained anything since the beginning of this chapter!"

"Not yet, Gin!" Sachan's voice had gained a psychotic lilt. "Before that, allow me to take the shogun's head!" He pulled his hips back, desperately trying to stave off whatever malevolent purpose the author had in twisting people's personality like this. This was turning into a horror movie.

"Enough!" someone cried. He felt something whiz past the top of his head, heard Sachan's grunt of pain, and then before he could track voice to speaker, he fell flat to the hard, cold ground, in pain, but finally free. He groaned, spitting out blood mixed with dirt and soil. He moved his body; he hadn't been able to enjoy the use of his limbs the whole chapter.

He lifted himself up slowly from the ground, his muscles aching for relief. He looked up, and then instantly felt like he'd fallen a few more stories.

Before him stood Tsukuyo.

And she was cradling a small bundle in her arms.

-tbc-

"Don't end the chapter yet!" someone cried from the depths of fanfiction space. It sounded very much like Gintoki. "I still have no idea what the hell is going on! Hey, are you listening to me? What's with this development? Why is there a baby? In the first place, is it mine? Just how long did time skip? What..."

The voice eventually faded into incoherence, vanishing back to the sea of ideas from whence it had come.

-tbc (for real)-

Next time, on Strange Tales of the Yorozuya: the mysterious baby! Is it Silver J. Fox? Ginraku? Gintoki Jr.? Will Sadaharu ever show up? And an extra: a betting pool to guess when the next chapter will come out!

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **There were a few more ideas to squeeze out. There _might_ be more. Just check back.**

 **Hope you enjoyed,**

 **Merlin out.**


End file.
